Long rambling free write
I am “stuck here” at my daughter’s dance practice. Maybe that mean’s I will have a chance to read and write and be a human…the internet service is nonexistent. It has been a very rainy day, this last day of September, and I spent it all at home.It was insidiously muggy and hot, for such a bleak outdoor rainshow. Leaves, tree limbs, rain and acorns falling…each pretty stupendously. Its not till fall begins that we realize the mortality around us…leaves falling rapidly, like trees shedding their hair in clumps, like cancer patients, not like “dear old dad”.
Speaking of…Is it still ok to have my daddy issues at age 32?
No one talks about them anymore. They are relegated to jokes, porn perhaps, and an occasional therapist’s office…But if you’ve ever felt your nose against the cold glass of a traditional family, you’ll know that sometimes it gets even colder out here as time passes on, and men pass by, and no one stays.
Maybe now I’ve written enough bullshit to say whats really on my mind. Why the daddy-issues reference. Well, ever since I have been online-dating, I have come across several characters that just make me feel very vulnerable. Very excited and very let down. Very turned on and very disgusted. Like, I wish there was some dad-figure that had a truck parked in my driveway and an aura of “Don’t fuck with my daughter, she is very precious”, etc etc. I wish I felt precious. How is that.
Last night I was face-timing this lawyer who I had hyped up all day on facebook to my friends. “They may all be rich and married, and actually own their house, and have a college savings plan for their kids”, I’d think as I’d post, “But I have pure, unlimited potential. Who KNOWS how great (Hopefuly exactly the same as their) my life can be. So many men to choose from”.
But when I spoke with this guy, this lawyer, this chaperone of female astronauts at galas, who has shocked hands with Bill Clinton and bussed papers from Ted Kennedy…He could not bear to talk about anything but sex. To him, I was very “Yummy”. That is a nice thing to hear a few times, but when I tried to change the subject and get a little into “What’s your family like, how many siblings do you have”…He recoiled. He is adopted, after all. Maybe that’s why he looked so uncomfortable and yet so unconsciously so. Anyways, men with power have a sickening effect on me, they can be very persuasive even by phone…and when our “conversation was over” i hung up thinking I should have been getting $3.99 per minute for all that.
Today I have felt rather sick and depressed, basically mourning my own questionable judgement in men. I want to cancel my date. I want to call my big ex and have the same exact dirty conversation I just had with the colombian lawyer, except with the pretense of love. I want to call another ex, and easily convince him to park his 4-door truck in my driveway and give me the pretense of protection-that mirage of protection. Protection against what, I don’t know…