How I will lose the last 15 pounds. (a meditation)

I will lose the last 15lbs by:
*Sitting down to eat.

Even if it meant sitting on the kitchen floor, goddammit, sitting down to eat is crucial. Note: This is not to be confused with sitting down driving and eating, or, technically, leaning over a table or island. Very specific and crucial here.

*Self-soothing with my blog when I have scary/gross thoughts, rather than with greek yogurt (don’t judge).

In vulnerable moments, I would have, say, a very creepy FaceTime with a strange man I met on the internet, and then come to the overwhelming realization that I was absolutely horrid  in mate-choice, and decide that the safest thing to do would consume a large amount of something technically healthy, in such a way that it was actually unhealthy. For example, you can take greek yogurt and add nuts and fruit and protein powder and of course, 2-3 times too many servings of it, and basically turn yourself into a very comforted, food-opiated female Hulk.  It is absolutely fat-free (and more importantly, carb-free) to vent about online creepsters ON the internet, rather than to the bottom of a yogurt cup. This has also let to the sad realization that I cannot be safe around basically any of my comfort foods, unless I really take care of myself emotionally. Because comfort foods DO COMFORT. I might not have found a specific person who can take comfort food’s place, but I do think that writing about both the feelings and the food have been a good tool. In fact, the more I have been writing, the more often I will find myself craving to write, to find my voice, to figure out why I am in the mood that I am.

*Writing out my meals for the day in my food diary.

This is an interesting one. I have found that if I weigh and calorie count all my protein for the day, I get a great visual of how much I can have at a time. We love to live from one moment to the next, and eat from one meal to the next with the same passion. If we actually know that we are robbing Peter to pay for Paul, (or, robbing dinner to eat bigger at lunch), we probably won’t make then deal go down. The next thing I will need to do is measure and calorie count all my bullshit smoothie ingredients, which get pretty hefty if I am having a mentally fat day.

Chia seeds. Flax meal. Almonds, or cashews, sunflower seeds, or walnuts. There is simply too much variety. If you know about the buffet effect, which showed that everyone at a buffet consumes a whole lot more than if “confronted” with only a few meal choices, you can see how this is a dangerous thing. What I NEED to start doing, is make little pre-mixed sandwich baggies that have all the dry ingredients for a shake in them, and have them all be the same amount of calories, that way, if I consume one or 2 of them for meal replacements, I can effectively write down the calories in my journal.

* Getting enough sleep. Insomnia is fattening. That is one of my all-time favorite quotes. I make the best decisions when I get enough sleep. That usually means going to bed between 9 and 10 but by 9:30 is ideal.

*Cutting milk/cream out of my drinks. I have had several blood transfusions, quit drinking, been homeless, had an abortion, and I am very confident that my suffering from want of milk/cream in my coffee/tea/shakes has at times, felt comparable. To manage this, I have completely quit coffee. Unless my boss buys it for me because I am so ghetto that I will drink something that’s free, which is also why I was very problematic at bars…

So, no coffee and a whole lot more green tea. And black tea, earl gray and my fruity favs. I still miss milk/cream in the black teas, so I think I will have to replace my “Eggnog tea”(Which is soo good), with a Gingersnap, this holiday season. I just know I can lose weight by figuring out all the trivial and unconscious things I do and reprogramming them.


I think this is a post I could revisit and add to every day. If anyone has tips or battles they want to share, I’m all ears!


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