My Thin Ghost

Does anyone have a similar story? They once were very thin and are not so thin anymore?

I have a Thin Ghost. She is 7 years old. She only lived in me for a year or two and was my best friend while I was in nursing school, drinking heavily, raising a child in poverty, and meeting and losing my greatest (yet tickets…) love.

The pressure on me was very high. I was working in a school for mentally disturbed elementary kids, which was, disturbingly, the same building as the high school I finished up in, as a rather crazy teenager with a phobia of regular school, regular people, and real life. I had to restrain kids who had a variety of mental illness, and be their “in school suspension monitor”, which was fitting as I had sat in similar seats in regular ed. At about this time, I started dating for the first time since I had broken up with an abusive “Papa” (just using his pet-name so you can feel me cringe), and moved back towards “home” with a preschooler in tow.

I met this guy on an online dating service which I hadn’t quite signed up for fully yet-as in paid for- and so I could not respond to his messages. He found me by a stroke of genius, or biological mating instinct, on Facebook, and we started dating exclusively as soon as we started fucking, which was, passionately and after our first date (sushi). I had no idea what sushi was, other than it was something my sister ate and she had a very decent job so I took it as a sign that this guy was thus well-off.

Soon after we started dating, I got into nursing school, which meant I had a 6 month period to do all my scientific pre-reqs. These were the most callenging science classes I have ever taken. And they were all housed innocently in a 2-year college setting. But every class felt like my entire future rode on it and it was very difficult to hang on.

About this time, I noticed how handsome and perfect my man was, and how vulnerable and alcoholic I was (OkI didn’t  notice that specifically but I did notice that I felt very unworthy of dating someone with a good career. My baby’s father had’ graduated high school…).

I focused all of my energy into controlling who I was, and turning myself into who I could be I could be a hot, rich nurse in just 2 years…Naturally, I needed to lose weight. I started off at about 145lbs, and through a process that included a snowballing exercise regime and calorie restriction, I whitted myself down to 112-115 lbs, for a year, on a 5’7 inch frame. I was finally hot! Maybe now I’d be able to keep a decent man, I hoped. (I still think this is rather accurate).

As the school year progressed at my job as a school aide, I took great pleasure when my favorite teacher, Mr. Mack (really actually name, and he WAS a Mack), pulled me to the side in the hall and said, “I think you’ve just gotten too thin. Don’t lose any more weight.”

That was the first time anyone had ever said that to me, and it touched me on many levels. Firstly, any time I can receive guidance and advice and attention from an older (and hot, helps), male, I am just instantly craving MORE. Yes,I do believe in Daddy-Issues. I believe i have a category all laid out for them, and this applies.

Though the year, I found myself unable to consider certain food groups, mainly starches and fruits and fats.

Jello became an essential.

I did so many sit ups and creates that I wore a little “rug-burn tear in my but crack because my  primitive tail  sorta poled out my ass was so thin.

I would rather drink low-carb beer than eat.

It was hard to be around people because food would be involved. My boyfriend was sometimes the exception…I channeled all my hunger into sex.

I think this is all in my mind now because I think about my thin ghost, and my old boyfriend, whoI basically refer to as “The Big Ex”, often. He himself is a story for another day, but today, I heard the refrain from an old 80’s song that went like this:
“every time you go away, you take a peice of me with you”…and that is how I continue toffee about this man, who has gone away and come back so many times, that he has most all of my pieces.

I thought for a while, last month, that we were going to have our occasional-once every 2-years, fuck-meet-up.I was so excited that he still missed me and desired me…and even though he is completely unavailable physically (MARRIED), I fretted about how I would look to him, would I be good-looking enough compared to that bone-hipped girl with the abs and the legs and the slender slender face? I think I enjoy that panic-burst, because just the thought of reconnecting with the Big Ex makes me want to get skinny again. And my Thin Ghost really wants some time embodied.


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