Torn from the page

“As long as I live I will be redefining my daughterhood in the light of my motherhood.”

erica jong

 

ive been thinking of my old childhood trauma and drama lately, and the above quote, from “What do Women Want”, spoke to me. Well-as an offshoot thought it did. Basically as I lurch into middle school with my daughter (age 11), I am forced to recon front and redefine my horrible, bullied, neglected-feeling middling years. I want to protect myself through my protection of her. I want to provide her the things I never felt I had. Cliche?

You bet.

There is still an indignant Tweenager in me who got spitballs in their hair during CCD, and my hands get clammy waiting outside for my daughter when her catechism classes are over.

The clothes. Oh, I protect her with clothes, and if I could afford it, I would bullet-proof her social status with Lululemon and JCrew for kids. I was terribly dressed as a tween and thus never had a chance to make a good impression.

As the years of childhood race by, we are entering the terrifying years of my past. Where, soon, “I” will dissacociate, reading about possible sexual trauma I endured as a toddler. That’s in 9th grade and was a major blow-one that still feels like the beginning of the end. Then comes the alcohol poisoning, every year, often every month, for the rest of high school.  Sometimes I think that alcohol poisoning is subconscious suicide. How long that went on…how I despair that no one took me home from he hospital and said “You. are .worth. living.” And bought me horseback riding lessons (my extreme allegory of what I imagine quality familial love to provide)…

How can I define my adolescence, even face it? Such a powerfully shameful period in my not-THAT-long life. Yet-as mother to a Tweenager,  I am being drawn back, drawn…back.

Self-regret is painful and luxurious.

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3 comments

  1. abbiegrrl · December 9, 2015

    I completely get it. I hope for both of your sakes that you’ll begin talking to a counselor soon, if you haven’t already.
    I’ve lived out “protecting myself” through standing up for my child, and it wasn’t great for either of us. (My reactions may have been a bit extreme for the actual -current- situation) It sounds like you’re getting triggered. Awareness, while good, won’t protect you from acting out in a moment if the ptsd is triggered too hard. Best to you. ❤

    Like

    • parentified · December 9, 2015

      Thanks Abbie. You’re reminding me of a counseling experience I DID have for a year last year, and how I’ve been thinking of writing a post on it. Sometimes, you don’t know what you’ve done, emotionally, until the work is over!
      xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • abbiegrrl · December 9, 2015

        So true. It floats back up to the top when we’re not thinking about it.

        Liked by 1 person

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