Chill that Candy Ghost

If I could offer you any advice after you’ve eaten far too much Halloween candy, it is GET ON THE SCALE!

Without fail, it sobers me up. I work at a facility that uses a fantastic scale (weightloss industry). I VOW to use it every time I work…but sometimes, after, say, a Halloween candy binge, (Nothing impressive, but, still..candy), I get nice and busy at work and almost convince myself not to weight myself in. But the truth is, the damage-control is always in the cold hard numbers on the cold, hard and unflinching scale.

I gained 0.4 lbs in 4 days since Halloween. You know what that is? A WIN!

Yet I was feeling like a huge pig on my way to work today. I even drank like 4 cups of tea on my way in, thinking that would sabotage my weigh in and that it would convince me not to get on the scale. I so dread getting on the scale after a weekend of totally eating like a 6th grade girl! #ThankYouHalloween

But now that I have, I am full of confidence that my day today will be better. I think in fact I should ramp it up and commit to weighing myself in religiously in the morning at home, too, on the days I don’t work.

I do seem to be at a weight that is hard to budge. Mid to upper 130’s.  I wish I could turn a switch and just think “Wow. A lot of women would kill to rock this body size. A lot of women probably think they’d feel SUPER sexy if their muffin top was just junior-sized like mine”. Really, I better shut up and enjoy myself. But isn’t that easier said than done?

There is so much shame about the way we eat and the foods we eat when we are acting out with food. And lets face it, thats what 50% of my intake is! And probably yours too. What I am REALLY ashamed about is my lack of self-indulgence to do other things besides eat, to nurture myself. I’m getting way better about it, but I really need to therapeutically SIT DOWN and read, or veg out, or take a bath (Note to self: Get a Jacuzzi in the very near future so my life can be changed).

If only lack of self-care were as embarrassing! Maybe that is a problem for the luxury-class, but I think I need to step up my game and start doing more things to self-soothe and unwind. Maybe I need to work on my diet even more, at the same time, get that process really into an order-I think that the “Eating When Hungry Diet” is really the “See-Food Diet”. I could be hungry all the time! I need to be more prescriptive with my meal times. Totally. It is so much pressure taken off me when I know whats happening now, later and last.

We are heading into extreme-darkness and that is always when I gain weight. I need to think seriously about this, and it may result in several more narcissistic seeming posts that all reflect on my self-image…but that is why I am blogging in the first place. Blogging is calorie-free and a high-impact mental workout!


When Dick Hits the Fan. Or, When Reeses is Not an Orgasm

My mom is in Hospital. I think it sounds better to say “In Hospital” then the American “In the hospital”. It doesn’t matter which “THE” the hospital is…BI, B&W,MG,Insert acronym HRE…she is IN HOSPITAL. She is going to be ok, but it produced in my a heightened state of anxiety.

This being Halloween weekend, the only options are to eat vigorously to speed up the impending winter blues, while stifling the current generalized anxiety about my mom. Halloween candy, an apple, regular food. Just MORE.

And my other longing, which I have NOT succumbed to: Texting the Ex. Exes for that matter. I could do a coin flip and take either one.

It dawned on me as I took a walk, literally eating a (HIGHLY OVERRATED) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup whilst waiting for my dog to take a piss on an unlucky lawn, that I really need to get back to fucking. It is calorie free, and when I am in my “Fuck mode” I do prefer to barely eat. That empty feeling is so sexy. I realized, on this walk, that if I am not careful, I am bound to behave and to appear to be behaving…as an unfucked woman.

How to describe? I don’t know I haven’t thought of the character type in ages, but I’d conjure up my current negatives towards the profile: a bit too much harping, overcautiousness (Because after all, if one is not fucking, one is not creating little embryonic “Back up children” on the monthly..and those you do have are all the more precious), the eating of things that a dainty girl entangled in love could not dare allow herself to eat on a regular basis. That means YOU, kale.

I AM starting to date. But I have found someone that I am eager to jump into a brunch-date with, but not in bed with, yet. I’m trying to go slow. Be someone who doesn’t give the “Girl Milk” for free. And not turning into a cow at the same time 🙂

So there are the fantasies of the exes. You haven’t really lived until you’ve lost. And oh, the dicks I have lost. Most of you also have this sexual catalogue of what has been available to you, and where you would locate the file if you needed it again. I am probably not the only one with my favorite ex’s cellphone number religiously catalogued between my daughter’s social security number and my birth date. #NeverForget. But I really shouldn’t. I really, really shouldn’t.


How was your Halloween (Binge)?

With just 20 minutes left in the Halloween Night, I thought I’d check in with my “scorecard” for Halloween Binging.
Play along at home, folks!


1.) I pre-binged on healthy food like yogurt in the morning. I brought 2 small apples with me while we trick or treated, a pack of 9 girls, me, and one dad. The apples themselves are an “Off Limits High Carb” Food that I usually try to avoid. But tonight I figured they’d be a treat with less fat compared to candy.

2) Meanwhile, I did get offered candy during the halloween festivities. I ate, lets see…probably 3 snickers and 1 receese. I feel that is not of a bingeworthy note. But when we came home and the girls poured out their candy, I went and ate 2 protein bars that taste like candy, in order to let myself enjoy the premise of Halloween, which is, of course, binging on candy.

The real trick for me will be in the morning. I will probably make the girls some pancakes and I will have to be very careful not to be tempted into eating chocolate chips. Also, the threat of rifling through my daughter’s candy bag, which she so h=generously offers to share with me.

The Halloween Binge is OVER! And tomorrow, on the Day of the Dead, I will strive to make the best choices I can while I am alive! After all, I really did enjoy myself tonight! That means, NO MORE TOMORROW!!!


How I will lose the last 15 pounds. (a meditation)

I will lose the last 15lbs by:
*Sitting down to eat.

Even if it meant sitting on the kitchen floor, goddammit, sitting down to eat is crucial. Note: This is not to be confused with sitting down driving and eating, or, technically, leaning over a table or island. Very specific and crucial here.

*Self-soothing with my blog when I have scary/gross thoughts, rather than with greek yogurt (don’t judge).

In vulnerable moments, I would have, say, a very creepy FaceTime with a strange man I met on the internet, and then come to the overwhelming realization that I was absolutely horrid  in mate-choice, and decide that the safest thing to do would consume a large amount of something technically healthy, in such a way that it was actually unhealthy. For example, you can take greek yogurt and add nuts and fruit and protein powder and of course, 2-3 times too many servings of it, and basically turn yourself into a very comforted, food-opiated female Hulk.  It is absolutely fat-free (and more importantly, carb-free) to vent about online creepsters ON the internet, rather than to the bottom of a yogurt cup. This has also let to the sad realization that I cannot be safe around basically any of my comfort foods, unless I really take care of myself emotionally. Because comfort foods DO COMFORT. I might not have found a specific person who can take comfort food’s place, but I do think that writing about both the feelings and the food have been a good tool. In fact, the more I have been writing, the more often I will find myself craving to write, to find my voice, to figure out why I am in the mood that I am.

*Writing out my meals for the day in my food diary.

This is an interesting one. I have found that if I weigh and calorie count all my protein for the day, I get a great visual of how much I can have at a time. We love to live from one moment to the next, and eat from one meal to the next with the same passion. If we actually know that we are robbing Peter to pay for Paul, (or, robbing dinner to eat bigger at lunch), we probably won’t make then deal go down. The next thing I will need to do is measure and calorie count all my bullshit smoothie ingredients, which get pretty hefty if I am having a mentally fat day.

Chia seeds. Flax meal. Almonds, or cashews, sunflower seeds, or walnuts. There is simply too much variety. If you know about the buffet effect, which showed that everyone at a buffet consumes a whole lot more than if “confronted” with only a few meal choices, you can see how this is a dangerous thing. What I NEED to start doing, is make little pre-mixed sandwich baggies that have all the dry ingredients for a shake in them, and have them all be the same amount of calories, that way, if I consume one or 2 of them for meal replacements, I can effectively write down the calories in my journal.

* Getting enough sleep. Insomnia is fattening. That is one of my all-time favorite quotes. I make the best decisions when I get enough sleep. That usually means going to bed between 9 and 10 but by 9:30 is ideal.

*Cutting milk/cream out of my drinks. I have had several blood transfusions, quit drinking, been homeless, had an abortion, and I am very confident that my suffering from want of milk/cream in my coffee/tea/shakes has at times, felt comparable. To manage this, I have completely quit coffee. Unless my boss buys it for me because I am so ghetto that I will drink something that’s free, which is also why I was very problematic at bars…

So, no coffee and a whole lot more green tea. And black tea, earl gray and my fruity favs. I still miss milk/cream in the black teas, so I think I will have to replace my “Eggnog tea”(Which is soo good), with a Gingersnap, this holiday season. I just know I can lose weight by figuring out all the trivial and unconscious things I do and reprogramming them.


I think this is a post I could revisit and add to every day. If anyone has tips or battles they want to share, I’m all ears!


Cookie pounds

Cookie pounds

we are all in the spirit of “blogtober”, so you’ll pardon my hasty post via iPhone, won’t you?

i work in the Weightloss field and had a shitty week myself in terms of food choices. I made cookies, knowing I’d eat them. I ate too many nuts, and drank some super shakes that trembled under the weight of their secretly massive caloric loads. It was rainy and blah and I felt gross after the nasty male interface I had last week. (See Dating Issue(s)…

so im doing what Catholics do best-telling a perfect stranger my nutritional sins, AND, playing the part of the dietetic priestess, telling you how I will atone for my carbimal sins.

im going to eat 900  protein calories tomorrow and 200 fat/carb calories max. I’m going to journal it all. And I’m avoiding all nuts. I will be eating like an “anti-squirrel”.

My innate desire to get fat in the winter is so laughable. Do any of you get like this in the fall? It’s so seasonal….

i am uploading today’s weight measurements in case anyone wants to see how serious I am in terms of being on the real.