Is the new better than the old? That’s the goal.

Its New Years Day, and on the radio I heard about some research to do with why we make resolutions on New years. Turns out we also make them on milestones and birthdays, too. It’s a human instinct.

So although we are all making resolutions for the Year today, we can also make them when the new week starts, or the new month, for example. That excites me, especially when added to the next thing I learned today:

That people typically rate their “current self” as higher/better than their past self.  This surprised me personally because I have a very specific memory of the “best me”, and a very specific weight and shape. If I could get THAT body and this Brain, I’d be in heaven. So clearly I can’t go back 7 years, but I CAN make a body that gets better week by week. I basically want to hijack self-improvement theory and make it perform miracles for me.

I’m just shocked that most people like themselves more now. I must have some issues. What’s new. Therefore… I am trying to be more joyful this year and appreciate myself as I am (Gasp this is getting so corny.) I danced with my dog tonight to entertain my kid and her friend, and then my random celebration inspired them to dance with each other and the dog to the radio. Silliness is contagious! I am so busy being grownup/singlemommin’/self-critiquing that I have little time for joy. I’m really a free spirit pretending to be an uptight- “Mom’s Mom” I swear.

I was envying some one’s perfectly highlighted hair today, and I had my usual thought: My hairs too short, too dark, too poor looking, and therefore I suck and should wear a hair burka. (Quick thought, not to worry. Really). BUT THEN I HAD A BREAKOUT THOUGHT: which was:

God fucking damnit, woman! You used to have DREADLOCKS. Unchecked armpits. Now you are as bare as a spring lamb from pit to crotch (THANK-you very much old job with lasers involved) I mean, things have changed, ad by societal standards, I’m not a bad looking betch. So I fantasized about those olden-times in the hippy-ghetto and summoned some unfathomable source of self-esteem from that time and told myself to take it easy on the hair envy. I mean, just because someone else can afford $200 highlights doesn’t mean I am less of a person.

THE COMPARISON is NOT the WORK.  That’s the point. I can look at pics of myself at 114 lbs and compare myself to my weight today in the 130’s. (not adjusted for seasonal depravity). I can compare my energy to when I worked out every moo day to now. But that brings me no where.

I can recollect the “tofu days” of yore, where I had such great willpower and made great food choices, like, most always. AM I STILL that person? Yes? Well than I can be myself again. First step is to stop dwelling on how I used to be/comparing that supermodel to my washed up current inner self, but thats actually a horrible procrastination. SO is.

So, like Louise Hay says, :

“As I begin this new year, I let go of the past and become a “now” person”.

So, maybe I do like I did. Maybe I do something different. But my goal is to get into incredible shape again. I miss the endorphin high. I miss the high so much. I miss running, and feeling so light that I could just fly up in the air a little bit with each step! I may not become a new person, but i will become a “Now” person!

Writing more often is also a new years goal, and so far so good. Music as well, I brought up my keyboard from the basement today and got lost in playing to some Little Big Town. Music had been missing from my life the past year. And I am a natural musician, so making time to fuck around on the piano and guitar is such a obviously “being awesome to myself” activity.

I do have to mention that I have been listening to some broody music from my past…love-blog to follow soon I am sure…

 

 

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I remember exactly half a lifetime ago, on New Year’s Eve when I was 16 (I am now 32), I lost my virginity. Ever since then, NYE is like “The Day I Lost my V-Card”, and since I had sex that night to “get it over with” (Oh, how many more nights have I done this since…), I always look at New Years with a sense of shame and dread. I don’t know, maybe in some ways I enjoy the resolutions, but I had such a yucky de-virgining experience that it kind of sticks out like a sore erection. Sorry, my blog posts are swirling together.

You see, I hope to blog more about shit that’s happened to me (like losing my virginity to an adult when I was a minor, which is technically my first rape, right? And that’s some interesting memoir-obilia.) But that’s serious stuff…

Yet I also hope to blog more in a completely funny way, because I do tend to be very dark on paper/screen, but I have a lot more humor to share.

So this NYE post might have to suffer a little Bipolarism. Which is only fair in my opinion…because that’s what New Year’s resolutions are all about. Its a mix of regret and shame of our past failures disguised as uplifting plans for how amazeballs we will be on Day 1 of the Future. Its like the TOFU CUPCAKES I made today because I am getting fat yet sort-of want to deny that and act like I just want to be super clever. Cheers to “healthism”!

I’m not getting fat, it’s just my winter coat. My indoor winter coat. I’ll be fine…  Let’s be honest, this post is a selfish and ashamed cry to the universe to Please Let Me Be Skinnier in 2016! Internet Gods, do you hear me?

  • Cruising along…I guess my resolutions are more like a Dear Santa/Dear God letter. I “want”….let’s see….to get more exercise.
  • work more regularly on my Continuing ed credits to maintain that professional degree that I won’t tell you about.
  • Go back to the gym before my membership expires. Its been many months since I’ve been and now I have the “Shame of Abandonment Syndrome” and feel like I can’t go back to the “hot mom herd”. Cleverly,  I shall weave myself back in among the chubby newcomers in January and perhaps that’ll make it easier.
  • I want to run again. When I was anorexic (QUESTIONIING this label a lot these days. It is a “noble” title but I sort of think I was, as i was 5’7 and weighed 112 lb, which was 1/4 comprised of jello and yellow mustard), when I was anorexic, I could run and like fly up in the air like the runner version of ET AND ELIOT ON THE BICYCLE. That scene. Whee! Now that I weigh (BIG REVEAL)…140lbs (Coat included), I don’t run and I know it’s because of the extra weight. So, basically, if I lose weight I will be able to run again.
  • Blogging. It’s a newer habit that I will be working on more in 2016. It’s so  good for the mind, and I really enjoy reading other people’s blogs, too.
  • Clothes and organization and clutter and stuff. I have to work on that. Ideally, I get a better sense of my own style this year. I currently really enjoy wearing a specific sweatshirt and sweatpants or Lululemon concoction (Just in case I go to the gym, lol, not). On days that I work in that professional profession, I dress up pretty nice. I was in pearls yesterday I tells ya, PEARLS. So I have a few looks that are very opposed. In the summer, I have a third look:  Dirty-Gardener. It’s pretty sexy but doesn’t translate well at the supermarket or library (which are BASICALLY the only places I go. #Recluse
  • If I got my clothes act together, that would entail me getting rid of a lot and organizing a lot. GOALS!
  • Give my dog her flea medication every month. Goals!
  • Go to AA or work on my sobriety in a new way. Funny to mention this so late in the post, but I really want to find my sober tribe. I’ve been sober for 1.5 yrs and its boring and lonely and isolating and antisocial. Im beginning to think that’ why people go to AA. Is it like a party? 🙂 The only times I’ve been certainly were a drag. I remember going there once for a college assignment to “observe” and even though it was a good 6 years before I got sore,  knew even then that I was not “observing”, but that I could have been a member, if I admitted to myself that I was a lush. That was such a sad day for me, lonely…
  • Spend 6 months Not actively trying to become a perfect, married person with a house and a baby (note: I do have an almost 12-year old but I’m getting scared of the empty nest coming my way, a RENTAL nest at that!!!)   This is a goal my new shrink gave me, because basically i need to bask in my awesomeness for being sober for a while)
  • Spend that 6 months finding a way to not be anxious! Not needing the future to happen now. Bask, bask, bask!!!
  • Do more things in my professional profession to make me  better professional. I think I know what they could be, volunteering or writing…just another step towards a bigger career move that I am not looking for in my 6-months of non-pushiness of the future.

These are just the goals that I’ve come across during this free write. I’m sure there are more, that will apply to my relationships and activities…

TTFN and Happy New Year to anyone who survived this blog post!